Gary's Pate o'Bitterness, Pt. 1

You know, I’m all for safety. Honestly I am. I think safety is a really good thing. It allows you to not get hurt and you don’t hurt others.

All around, it’s a great thing. I like traffic lights, safety nets. I like seatbelts and bagel cutters. Outlet covers are great. I think airbags really save lives. I also believe that toothless dogs will lead us to a safer society.

However, I’m concerned about where safety concerns are taking us. At what point do we say, “No. Technology won’t help. We must stop what we’re doing because the action itself is not safe. It has nothing to do with the tools of the activity.”

What am I talking about? Well let me explain.

I was at the grocery store last Saturday. It was a lovely day outside and we decided to have some fresh corn with dinner (on sale at Schnucks and very tasty. Wish I could meet the guy who was responsible for making the decision to stock the racks with this tasty agricultural treat.)

So I was looking at the corn, peeling back the leaves and silk to find the perfect kernels that would best bring for the flavor of summer freshness into my mouth.

“How do I know which kind to choose,” the guy said next to me.

I gave him the Travis Bickle, “You talkin’ to me?” look. He seemed to respond.

“Do I want white or yellow? Which is better? What kind should I get?”

“Well,” I said, “White is a little sweeter and crispier. It has a taste that is a little bolder than the yellow. The yellow is a nice traditional corn, and you can’t really go wrong.”

He turned his head and looked at me like I was insane. That’s when I noticed it. The earpiece in his ear attached to the wireless phone. Luckily it was the kind that was just a wire sticking out of his ear. Not the, “Hello, I’m a Time Life Operator” variety. I smiled and just continued to talk to the corn as if it were my original companion.

“But your widdle siwlk make you vewy hawd to eat. Doesn’t it little corny?”

Yes it does.

So, not that it’s dangerous to drive while talking on the phone, we have to deal with people who appear to be talking to themselves. What kind of world do we live in? I remember the days when a reasonable and sane person could separate himself from the crazies based on the fact that he alone knew when NOT to speak. We were able to make our rash judgments and sift out our stereotypes within a fraction of a second.

Now we have nothing. The schizophrenics have won. They’ve become virtually indistinguishable from the rest of us. I’ll bet Brian Wilson is walking around right now on the phone with Mike Love saying, “See, you miserable, bald prick? Other people hear voices too! Except their voices talk back!”

Of course, where will we stop? Other safety problems while driving are: Eating, reading, shaving, putting on make up and turning around to hit your kids. I have seen all of these things occurring. I suppose that sexual acts are also an issue, but I pretend that doesn’t happen because I might buy that person’s car someday. Ew. I always wondered what those stains were.

But I digress. What sort of technological innovation are we going to get next? An auto-eating machine that shovels McDonalds into your mouth for you? A seat extension that you can mount your shaver to that memorizes the contours of your face and shaves you while you drive?

Or maybe we shouldn’t be talking on the phone when we drive. We’re all guilty of it and yet. . . it’s so easy to do.

“Honey! I’m about to turn the corner! Open the door!”

Or, maybe we all need to slow down a bit. Stop worrying about how quickly life is passing us by and start enjoying those moments that we rush through. Maybe, instead of putting our make up on in the car we can wake up a few minutes earlier and do it leisurely at home. Maybe we can shave in the shower?

And maybe we can eat dinner with our families.